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Winter Reading for the Cast of Jersey Shore, If They Actually Read

Toby Shuster / Wednesday, January 27, 2010 Comments Off

p>mtvNow that the first season of MTV’s Jersey Shore is over, the cast members will have some free time on their hands. The following is a list of book recommendations for the guidos and guidettes to digest in between their gelling, juicing, and tanning.

J-Woww – Tormented by her raucous make out session with Pauly D, this praying mantis of a guidette is vindicated by her newly single status, kinda like Hester in The Scarlet Letter. Because, honestly, it’s the Jersey Shore, and why should she be humiliated for having fun? ‘A’ is for friggin Axe body spray!

Pauly D – Out of everyone, Pauly D. would appreciate Lord Byron’s banging epic, Don Juan the most.  Don Juan is a true old school guido who’s all about getting laid, man-scaping, and showing off what you got - all of which are close to Pauly D’s heart. “Wishper’d he had a mistress, some said two.” Pauly D translation: three chicks in the hot tub at once.

Vinny – Like Tom Sawyer, this lovable guido is loyal, fun-loving, and not afraid to contradict the norms of society. The youngest one in the house, Vinny is into his guido heritage, but he’s not one to get caught up  with bullsh*t girl drama.  Vinny came to play. And in the same way Tom Sawyer makes painting a fence look hot, Vinny does the same with selling t-shirts on the boardwalk.

Snookie – When she’s not scarfing down pickles, Snookie has some true guidette wit. And let’s face it, from running into her ex on the beach to having deep convos with her dad on the duck phone, Snookie is the most insightful of the bunch. The “Princess of Poughkeepsie” is also a bit of a loner- she starts on the outside and ends on the outside- just like friggin’ Emily Dickinson.

Sammi – This guidette would totally be able to relate to Elizabeth Bennet’s rollercoaster of emotions as she struggles to choose between suitors in Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice. Just like Elizabeth and Darcy, Sammi and Ronnie must elude and overcome numerous stumbling blocks. And once Sammi settles on Ronnie, she’s still an emotional wreck.

Ronnie – Everyone knows you’re not supposed to fall in love at the Jersey Shore. But after stating the obvious, Ronnie totally falls for Sammi, just like Romeo  and Juliet.  Because once the Ron-Ron Juice and the creepy patented dance move are unleashed, there’s no stopping the romance. And Mike is just like that Paris kid, sitting on the sidelines, helplessly watching the two of them get smushed.

The Situation – Machiavelli’s The Prince, a hearty treatise on morals and power plays, would be perfect for the star of the show. The Situation would definitely understand the title character’s philosophy that it’s better to be feared than loved. Because if there’s anything the Situation can’t stand, it’s when the guidettes don’t realize they have a situation on their hands.

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  • http://www.citizenrobot.com sherrie

    FIRSTIES!

    Somewhere inside these people ARE people who had to make it (barely) through high school. There is a crazy margin of craziness there that one of them actually has read at least 4 pages of Mark Twain. Does this mean the American educational system has succeeded, just a little bit?

    I weirdly always think Snooki is hiding her inner…inner-ness. She seems like the type that would at least WATCH an ADAPTATION of a Jane Austen book. Maybe. All that fancy tawk might be too much.

  • Kurt

    The classics for some classy guys & gals — nice work, Shuster, and a great idea.

  • Gollum

    LOL! This is hilarious. If they read?! oh snap gurl!

  • http://www.globalsportsfraternity.com HPL

    ‘A’ is for friggin Axe body spray! Damn right! I think you nailed it with all of them, especially Snooki. That broad would friggin’ love ED’s dark insights…

  • Mary

    I love this. My life is now a little closer to complete since I’ve heard a Lord Byron poem referred to as “banging”. It clearly took a lot of research, too. . .

  • http://bookshopstop.com/?p=866 Online Book Store and News – In the News: Lessig on Google, Snooki’s Reading List

    [...] should Snooki read? A strictly hypothetical reading list for the “Jersey Shore” [...]

  • Chelsea

    Wouldn’t it be hilarious if one of them commented on this post and said that they had actually read all the books? Or if they outed themselves as a phd student in lit or something?

  • http://alisonmccarty.com/2010/01/30/links-of-the-week-2/ Links of the Week « Alison McCarty

    [...] seen Jersey Shore, but I know some of you guys have, so here’s something to delight you: a winter reading list for the show’s cast, “if they actually read.” (via The Book [...]

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