It was a Sunday night.  I was exhausted and on my second glass of wine and that’s probably why I didn’t protest when someone suggested putting on a movie starring Gerald Butler, Jamie Fox and the worst plot ever imagined.

I knew this film would suck.  I could just tell by looking at the DVD cover.  Also, I remembered critics panning it months back.  Two strikes.  But like I said: wine and exhaustion.  So someone slipped it into the TV and we all sat back to watch what turned out to be exactly the kind of lame, violent, stupidly plotted movie I thought it would.

What frustrated me about this film wasn’t the acting, or the surprise violence (I’d like to be warned before a bullet makes a person’s head explode, thank you very much), it was the fact that it even got made in the first place.

As freshly minted writers, every opportunity that comes our way is always packaged in a “this is your one chance so don’t screw it up” kind of way.  We work our asses off writing, rewriting, swallowing mind-numbing critique and even giving up scenes we’d practically date if given the chance.  We run mental triathlons because, well, our art has to be perfect – or no one’s going to give it a second thought.

So we beat ourselves up to create this expressive masterpiece, and then someone brings over a DVD that’s so full of every writing Don’t it makes our mouths hang open in disbelief.  How the hell does something like this get made?!  It’s awful.  Don’t tell me this was someone’s magnum opus.  It’s impossible.  The only way this makes sense is if a bunch of big execs came up with it in the back of a party van on the way to a strip club. Read more »

I’m about to start teaching creative writing and composition once a week to a group of 11th and 12th graders in Harlem.  Many of them will struggle with basic reading and writing comprehension, but my goal is to get them excited about telling their own stories, but also to respect the craft: to understand that editing is an important part of any artistic process, that attention to details helps the final product, and that constant practice (via writing and reading regularly) can only make their own creative and academic writing better.

So what kind of stuff do I want to encourage them to read in order to get excited about books and about writing their own stories?  My mind automatically goes to “the classics,” a list of books many of which I haven’t even read myself (cue the guilt).  But are these the best works to get them excited?

The bigger question is this: Is a classic work of literature (fiction and nonfiction included) always “good” writing?

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“Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.”

- Elvis Costello

Sometimes I wish that I could stop you from talking when I hear the silly things that you say...

Oh Elvis. You’re so wise. It’s true, using one medium to describe another is always a challenge, and writing about music is no exception. This of course hasn’t stopped people from trying; there is a massive and constantly-expanding network of fanatical bloggers and music critics out there, passionate listeners who deconstruct every obscure indie release in excruciating detail, who obsess over artists 99.8 percent of us have never even heard of. And you know what? Despite its occasional pretensions, I love this community; their relentless sifting of new music has lead me to some great bands, and they are ultimately the ones who identify and dictate what music will be popular in the future.

What I don’t love is the style of writing that many of the people in this community employ: the use of fragmented images and phrases to try and illustrate what a particular piece of music sounds like. You’ve probably read some of this before; a reviewer will attempt to describe a song by writing something nonsensical like: “The verse shimmers along, buoyed over a gentle sea of bass by airy wisps of keyboard, until it explodes into the chorus, a glorious cacophony of overdriven guitar and distorted drums.” This style of writing is ridiculous and a waste of time. No one could ever read one of these crazy streams of consciousness and gain any real kind of understanding of what the song actually sounds like; music is too subjective, and the terms used in these descriptions are too abstract to be useful. (They are also often repeated – for example, the verb explode is one of the most prevalent and pernicious words in all of music writing, appearing in about 60 percent of music reviews. It seems like every song is combustible.)

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Some lawyers have canceled a Harry Potter-themed dinner for children. Then, they kicked a puppy.

Tom Cruise has been revealed as the inspiration for Christian Bale’s performance in American Psycho. I feel vaguely unsurprised.

Walt Whitman in a Levi’s commercial. Wait, what?

A research associate at NYU has procured funding to rewrite Melville’s Moby Dick entirely in emoticons.

If you liked bad poetry, here are some awful opening sentences from a bad fiction writing contest. Also, if you’re interested in writing some bad fiction of your own, some tips include using as many adjectives as you can, describing every character in minute detail, taking no account of narrative pacing, and more.

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